Episode 65 - How to Unlearn Shame Around Our Menstrual Cycle

Shame around menstruation doesn't just make us uncomfortable talking about periods. It severs us from our cyclical wisdom, our bodily intelligence, and our authentic power. Operating at the lowest frequency of human experience, shame keeps us controllable, small, and disconnected from ourselves.

This exploration reveals how toxic shame infiltrates our relationship with our menstrual cycles, why this matters more than you realize, and most importantly, how connection becomes the pathway back to your cyclical power.

Topics covered

In this episode, we discussed

The difference between guilt and shame - guilt says "I did something wrong" while shame says "I am something wrong"
How shame disconnects us from our true identity and wraps itself around who we are
Understanding healthy shame vs toxic shame and recognizing the difference in your own life
Shame is a learned behavior that only exists in relation to the outside world
Why shame sits at the lowest frequency and vibration of human experience
Cultural shame around menstrual cycles - hiding pads, not talking about bleeding, being called "too emotional"
How toxic shame severs us from our cyclical power and ancestral knowing that menstruation is sacred
The physical experience of shame in the body - dissociation, lightheadedness, feeling like fading away
Why shame is used as a tool of control by oppressors and organizations
How shame makes boundaries blurry because we dissociate from our bodies
The antidote to shame: connection to truth, compassion, body, and community
Practical reflection questions for identifying where shame shows up in your cyclical continuum
Why repairing the connection to self is one of the most powerful things we can do

Listen to the Episode

Timestamps

[00:00:52] Introduction to shame and the cyclical continuum

[00:01:28] Why shame is sticky and misunderstood

[00:02:36] Different layers of shame we experience

[00:03:37] Defining shame vs guilt

[00:04:17] Shame as learned behavior

[00:05:25] Healthy shame vs toxic shame

[00:06:33] Personal example of vase incident with grandmother

[00:07:49] Healthy shame followed by repair

[00:08:47] Toxic shame as core identity

[00:09:44] Cultural shame around menstrual cycles

[00:10:45] Examples of menstrual shame in action

[00:12:04] Energetic perspective on shame's low frequency

[00:13:01] Why connection is the antidote to shame

[00:14:46] The painful realization of self-abandonment

[00:16:50] Deep patterns from young age

[00:18:00] Reflection questions about shame in your life

[00:19:28] Your cyclical body is not shameful

[00:19:52] Shame as tool of control

[00:21:25] How shame blurs boundaries

[00:22:24] Never leaving yourself behind

[00:24:04] Connection as antidote to shame

[00:25:07] Closing thoughts and connection invitation

The Fundamental Difference: Guilt vs Shame

Understanding the difference between guilt and shame changes everything. These aren't just semantic distinctions - they represent completely different experiences of self-relation.

Guilt says: "I did something wrong." Shame says: "I am something wrong."

"When you feel shame, you are no longer in connection with the truth of who you are. You are seeing yourself through the distorted mirror of someone else's judgment, someone else's expectation, or someone else's projection."

This difference is crucial when it comes to cyclical living. Guilt about a specific behavior (snapping at your partner during luteal phase) can lead to repair and better cycle awareness. Shame about having a menstrual cycle at all cuts you off from your body's wisdom entirely.

Shame is learned behavior - it cannot exist in isolation but only in relation to external judgment. It develops when we internalize others' reactions to who we are rather than what we do.

Healthy Shame vs Toxic Shame

Not all shame is destructive. Understanding this distinction helps you recognize when shame might actually be guiding you toward better alignment.

Healthy Shame: The Teacher

Acts like humility, reminding us of our humanness
Creates awareness: "I could have handled that better"
Is followed by healthy repair and reconnection
Pulls us back into integrity with our values
Temporary and specific to situations

Toxic Shame: The Identity Thief

Becomes core identity: "There's something fundamentally wrong with me"
Silences and isolates us from connection
Develops when repeatedly told "you're too much" or "you're a burden"
Projects onto natural human experiences like having a menstrual cycle
Chronic and affects sense of self-worth

"Toxic shame can exist when the outside world makes us feel shame for who we are. When we look at who we are as cyclical people, as women, as people with menstrual cycles, our environment has culturally decided that there is a specific type of value placed on what it means to have a menstrual cycle."

Menstrual Shame: How Culture Teaches Body Disconnection

The menstrual cycle becomes a perfect target for toxic shame because it's:

A natural bodily function you have zero control over
Visible in some ways (products, symptoms, timing)
Connected to sexuality and fertility
Traditionally hidden from public discourse

Common Manifestations of Menstrual Shame

Hiding pads or tampons up sleeves on the way to the bathroom
Being told not to talk about bleeding or periods
PMS symptoms dismissed as "being crazy" or "too emotional"
Coming-of-age experiences met with embarrassment rather than celebration
Cervical fluid changes seen as "dirty" rather than informative

"This really is shame in action. It says, this natural process in your body is dirty. You having this body process makes you less worthy. Don't speak of it. Don't show it. This is toxic shame, and it really severs us from our cyclical power, from the wisdom of our body, from the ancestral knowing that our menstruation is sacred."

Shame as a Tool of Control

Understanding shame's function in power dynamics reveals why healing it matters beyond personal wellbeing.

"My personal belief is that shame is a tool. It is a tool from oppressors. It's a tool from organizations and governments, and societies where they want to have control over you because when you are in the lowest vibration that the human body can be in, which is shame, it is very easy to control."

How Shame Enables Control

Keeps you disconnected from your inner truth and body wisdom
Makes boundaries blurry because you're dissociated from your needs
Prevents authentic self-expression and cyclical awareness
Maintains compliance with systems that don't serve you
Blocks access to your intuitive guidance and cyclical rhythms

When shame doesn't exist or is healed:

You connect with your power and integrity
Your boundaries become clear and strong
You access your authenticity and inner truth
Others cannot easily control or manipulate you

Connection as the Antidote

The antidote to shame is always connection to truth, compassion, your body, and community.

Physical Signs of Shame

Feeling lightheaded or dissociated
Inability to feel arms and legs clearly
Knot in stomach or chest constriction
Sensation of "fading away" from your body

Healing Approaches

Body reconnection:

Notice physical sensations during different cycle phases
Practice feeling your boundaries and needs
Use breath work to return to your body during disconnection

Truth-telling:

Journal about your actual cyclical experience vs. what you think you "should" feel
Share honestly with trusted friends about your cycle
Challenge internalized messages about your period being "wrong"

Community healing:

Find others who talk openly about cyclical experiences
Join circles or groups that honor menstruation

The Bottom Line

Shame around your menstrual cycle isn't just uncomfortable - it's a systematic disconnection from your power. Every time you hide your period products, apologize for cyclical needs, or believe something is fundamentally wrong with your cyclical nature, you abandon your truth for someone else's comfort.

When you heal menstrual shame, you reclaim territory that was never theirs to take. Your menstrual cycle is not the problem. The shame projected onto it is. And that shame can be healed.

"You being in a cyclical body and having received the gift of this type of reproductive system is not shameful. It's life itself moving through you. Your cycle can literally be your compass."

Key Takeaways

Shame attacks identity while guilt addresses behavior - only guilt leads to healthy repair

Menstrual shame is culturally imposed on natural, sacred bodily processes

Shame operates at the lowest human frequency and severs self-connection

Shame is used as a control tool by systems that benefit from your disconnection

Connection is always the antidote to shame and path back to power
Your cyclical nature is sacred and can serve as your internal compass
Healing shame creates ripple effects that benefit your community and future generations

Transcript

[00:00:00] Iris Josephina: You are listening to the podcast of Iris Josephina. If you are passionate about exploring the menstrual cycle, cyclical living, body wisdom, personal growth, spirituality, and running a business in alignment with your natural cycles, you're in the right place. I'm Iris. I'm an entrepreneur, functional hormone specialist, trainer and coach, and I am on a mission.

[00:00:29] Iris Josephina: To share insights, fun facts, and inspiration I discover along the way as I run my business and walk my own path on earth. Here you'll hear my personal stories, guest interviews, and vulnerable shares from clients and students. Most people know me from Instagram where you can find me under at cycle seeds, or they have been a coaching client or student in one of my courses.

[00:00:52] Iris Josephina: I'm so grateful you're here. Let's dive into today's episode. Hey loves. Welcome to a new episode of the Inner Rhythms Podcast. Today I would love to talk about something that so many of us carry often in silence, and that is shame, and I particularly want to talk about how it weaves itself into our experience with our menstrual cycles, but also more aspects of our cyclical continuum.

[00:01:28] Iris Josephina: So our coming of age, our first periods, cervical fluids, being pregnant, having body changes while pregnant, giving birth. All of these are like connected and it often starts with coming of age. Shame is such a strong emotion. It's sticky it clings to our body, it clings to our psyche and it's a very misunderstood emotion.

[00:02:04] Iris Josephina: So I want to talk about this because I was thinking about this so much and I've had some clients who are well in their thirties and they are still living under the heavy, heavy cloak of shame. And so I wanna talk about this with you because I know it's a feeling that many of us have had in their lives, and maybe you are at a corner of your life where you're like, "Oh, I've overcome my shame." And we can experience shame in different layers. We can experience shame about experiences that we have that we didn't have control over. We can have shame about our body functions, about our behaviors. And I just want to take a moment to completely unpack that with all of you, and hopefully this episode can help you understand your experience of shame and how you can potentially overcome it or at least develop a sense of compassion for it. So I want to begin with sharing with you and explaining what is shame, really. And I wanna start by saying that shame is different from guilt. So guilt says I did something wrong. Shame, on the other hand says, I am something wrong.

[00:03:36] Iris Josephina: And this is why shame is such a heavy feeling. It doesn't just sit in our thoughts and our heads, but it also wraps itself almost like around our identity. And when you feel shame, you are no longer in connection with the truth of who you are. Let that sink in. You are seeing yourself through the distorted mirror of someone else's judgment, someone else's expectation, or someone else's projection and shame is taught behavior.

[00:04:16] Iris Josephina: It's learned behavior. It's something that develops within us in reaction and relationship to our environment and the people around us. And I often say shame only exists in relation to the outside world. It cannot live in isolation, and it's basically coming to life when we place ourselves against the eyes or standards of others, and it's really on the lowest of lowest.

[00:04:55] Iris Josephina: And, uh, frequency and vibration that we can be in with ourselves when it comes to connection. We completely lose connection with who we are, the truth of who we are and ourselves when we are in the vibration of shame. Now there is different types of shame that we can experience, and I want to unpack those with you so that you can start to recognize it in yourself.

[00:05:24] Iris Josephina: And I really want to differentiate between a healthy, short lived shame that is basically a teacher versus toxic shame. So I want to name that shame isn't always quote unquote bad. And when we look at healthy shame, it's more like a humility. It reminds us of our humanness, our limitations. It's the part of us that recognizes, oh, huh, I did something wrong.

[00:05:57] Iris Josephina: And oof. I feel a bit of shame around that, but I can shift my reaction or my behavior. And make it better. So for example, an example of my own life is that I was in my grandmother's house and there was like this beautiful vase that we had, and I knew it was really important to my grandma, and I knocked it over and I felt so bad and I felt both feelings of.

[00:06:32] Iris Josephina: Guilt and also shame because the guilt in that moment said, oh, I did something wrong. My grandma told me I couldn't drop this phase, and that's what I did. And the shame inside me went immediately to, you are a wrong person. There's something wrong with you, you can't follow through. And I made it about my identity, about my personality as something was inherently wrong with me.

[00:06:59] Iris Josephina: In this situation, the only thing that was important. Was the guilt part. Oh, I did something wrong and I can shift my behavior. I can apologize to my grandma. We can find mending and repair in that. And of course her response was like very important for that. And he said, she said, okay. I told you not to do that it, but it was an accident and it's okay.

[00:07:23] Iris Josephina: I forgive you. So this is an example where we can feel short-lived. Healthy shame and healthy shame is often followed by healthy repair so that we can feel like, oh, there isn't inherently something wrong with me. There was something in my behavior that was not okay, but I can change that. I can mint, I can repair, I can forgive, I can be forgiven.

[00:07:48] Iris Josephina: And. You know, I need others to repair from that. And another example is when you realize you spoke harshly to a loved one. That little flush of like, oh shit, I could have handled that better. And then be pulled back into integrity, back into relationship, and going into the repair after it happened. And forgive or be forgiven, and this is healthy shame.

[00:08:20] Iris Josephina: There is in healthy shame, there is a potential for reconnection. And when we experience healthy shame, it's always followed by a reconnection and a repair. When we look at toxic shame is where shame becomes a core identity. It can be, for example, a child who grows up constantly being told, you're too much, you're a burden, and.

[00:08:46] Iris Josephina: The child doesn't just learn to change a behavior, they actually internalize the belief that they are the problem. And toxic shame can also exist when the outside world makes us feel shame for who we are. And when we open this up and focus on. Who we are as cyclical people, as women, as people with menstrual cycles.

[00:09:16] Iris Josephina: Our environment has culturally decided that there is a specific type of value placed on what it means to have a menstrual cycle. And thank God it's changing, but. The, the longstanding narrative around the menstrual cycle is that it's something that we actually shouldn't be having. It's something that needs to be tucked away.

[00:09:43] Iris Josephina: It's something that can be in the open, but the thing is, this is a bodily function that you have zero control about. It belongs to your human experience, and you are ashamed for that. The same goes for when people are shamed for their gender identity or their sex for that matter. And once we internalize shame at that level, it really sits at the lowest vibration of human experience because we.

[00:10:17] Iris Josephina: Identify with it. We make it part of our identity because our environment around us has projected onto us that something about who we are as a human being. Is inherently not okay. Now let me take this a little bit deeper into the menstrual cycle. So how many of us were taught to like hide pads or tampons, upper sleeves on the way to the bathroom?

[00:10:44] Iris Josephina: How many of us were not told to talk, we're told not to talk about bleeding, or we're told that PMS symptoms made us crazy or too emotional? This really is shame in action. It says, this natural process in your body is dirty. You having this body process makes you less worthy. Don't speak of it. Don't show it.

[00:11:12] Iris Josephina: This is toxic shame, and it really severs us from our cyclical power, from the wisdom of our body, from the ancestral, knowing that our menstruation is sacred. And you know, healthy shame in this context might look like, oh, okay. I snapped at my partner in the depths of my luteal face that wasn't aligned with how I wanted to show up.

[00:11:37] Iris Josephina: But I'm aware of where I am in my cycle and I can men this. However, when we look at toxic shame in this situation, it would look like a loved one saying to you, you're impossible to love when you're like this. You'll always be too much. You feel the difference? One part invites interconnection and the others, the other one cuts it off.

[00:12:03] Iris Josephina: Now, from an energetic perspective, shame really vibrates at the lowest frequency. Shame is below anger. It sits below fear. It sits below grief. And when we are in the emotion, any vibration of shame. We are completely out of integrity with ourselves because we have abandoned our own truth, our own very truthful experience.

[00:12:34] Iris Josephina: And to keep the, you know, the example of the menstrual cycle real, we have completely abandoned the truth of our body. That bleeds for the illusion of how we should be in the eyes of another. And this is why shame feels so isolating. It disconnects us, not only from others, but it most deeply disconnects us from ourselves.

[00:13:00] Iris Josephina: And this is why the antidote to shame is always connection. Connection to truth, connection to compassion, connection to your body, connection to community. And this is also why when I notice in my clients that shame shows up inside of them, that I help them guide them back to connection with themselves, connection to their body.

[00:13:29] Iris Josephina: Because when you are out of connection with yourself, it is absolutely impossible to connect with another human being. It cannot exist because when you abandon yourself through shame. There is no way for you to show up in integrity and connect truthfully to someone else. And I understand, and when I was working with this and you know, I've been working with this for so long and I completely unraveled my whole shame story and my shame experience, and it's very confronting because when you start to realize like, oh.

[00:14:12] Iris Josephina: We fuck balls. I have abandoned myself for so long. It's very hurtful. It's very, very painful to come to the realization that by falling prey to shame and allowing ourselves to keep going there. We have denied ourselves true connection to ourselves. And it's a very, very painful thing to go through, and I understand it.

[00:14:45] Iris Josephina: I've been through it and it hurts. It really, really hurts and especially if you, you know, especially if you start realizing, and this is how it was for me, realizing and, you know, remembering how you felt when you were this little girl or this little child. Going through something and feeling this big feeling of shame, of feeling completely alone and isolated and disconnected, like it's painful when you realize this about your younger self.

[00:15:17] Iris Josephina: Like I cried such deep. Sadness about this when I realized like, oh my God, like little Iris has felt so disconnected and so alone from herself and her community and her family, and her parents and her friends when she was so deep in the gutters of shame. And it hurts. And I feel shame is one of the most hurtful feelings that we can experience as a human being because it's completely isolating.

[00:15:50] Iris Josephina: And it's scary to feel like that because as humans we are wired to connect. And when we feel completely out of connection, it's such a scary feeling. It makes you feel like you're the only person in the world and nobody understands you. Yeah. You're on your own and it's so painful and it's such a painful vibration and frequency to be in and.

[00:16:15] Iris Josephina: I want to, you know, bring this to the surface and also let you know like you're not alone in experiencing this. And I also let you know that it's possible to mend this within yourself and to recognize when you fall into the pattern of shame. And it can happen very subtly. Because many of us have a lot of like shame experiences when we were younger, when our brains were like naturally wired.

[00:16:49] Iris Josephina: So usually, and unfortunately, these patterns of shame are like very deep, and we've developed them from a very young age. So they're very hard to break as well. But I do want you to know that it's possible. When I work with my clients and shame comes up, like we do very deep work around it because I feel it's so, so important to understand the mechanism of shame and also the difference between guilt, healthy shame and toxic shame so that we can start identifying when this is projected onto us.

[00:17:30] Iris Josephina: And so I want to lovingly invite you. To do some reflections in your own life, like where in your life or where in your cycle, or where in your cyclical continuum does shame show up? Or where has it shown up in your life? And can you pinpoint what happens? And can you pinpoint what happens in your body when you feel shame?

[00:17:59] Iris Josephina: For me, shame feels like a complete dissociation with myself. Like I lose the sense and awareness of time. I feel very lightheaded. I can't feel my arms and legs anymore. I feel a knot in my stomach and I feel like I'm fading away from my body. And it's a very scary, isolating feeling, and it's painful and.

[00:18:25] Iris Josephina: The next thing I would love for you to reflect on is can you discern if it is healthy shame or toxic shame? Now that you know what that is, is it the shame that kind of like humbles you into you know, better behavior and reconnects you, or is it the kind that truly silences you and isolates you, and do you have the capacity to begin to bring curiosity, compassion, and connection?

[00:18:53] Iris Josephina: To these experiences instead. And I really want to like reiterate that you being in a cyclical body and having received the gift of this type of reproductive system is not shameful. It's life itself moving through you. Your cycle can literally be your compass. And when we reconnect with this part of ourselves, we can feel our power.

[00:19:27] Iris Josephina: And my personal belief is also that shame is a tool. It is a tool from oppressors. It's a tool from organizations and governments and societies where they want to have control over you because when you are in the lowest vibration that the human body can be in, which is shame, it is very easy to control.

[00:19:51] Iris Josephina: It's very easy to control you when you are in a energy of shame. This is also why. When we experience, sexual trauma or intense, you know, boundary crossings, the perpetrator will always try to make you feel shame. And when you're not trained or aware about the fact that shame is the lowest frequency we can be in, and it's the place where people can easily control you.

[00:20:24] Iris Josephina: It's very easy to spiral into it and feel very isolated and feel very disconnected so that others can have power over you when shame doesn't exist, or when you are aware that there is shame and you mend it and you constantly are able to reconnect with yourself. You connect with your power. You connect with your integrity.

[00:20:50] Iris Josephina: You connect with your authenticity. You connect with your own inner truth. Nobody can have control over you because it's a part of you where you can feel the most connected, like when we feel the most connected and the add ease with ourselves. We can feel our boundaries. When you are in shame, your boundaries become very blurry because you dissociate from your body and also your mind and your thoughts and your perception of where your boundaries are.

[00:21:23] Iris Josephina: So an important part of my work, especially with my one-to-one clients, is about. Have you worked with your shame? How has shame shown up in your life and in your body and in your cyclical continuum? Are you aware what kind of shame it is and can you come back to connection with yourself? And I really feel that in all of the work that I do, repairing connection to self and our bodies.

[00:21:52] Iris Josephina: It's one of the most powerful things that we can do because when we never leave ourselves behind, other people cannot control us. The moment we leave ourselves behind, when we abandon our own truth for the illusion of how we should be in the eyes of another, we are always in our power. And I think this is one of the most important lessons I've learned in my life and I have been.

[00:22:22] Iris Josephina: Feeling the strength when in myself for a very long time. But I feel that when I started doing this work and unpacking this whole journey with myself, this has been the most important aspect because when you unpack shame and when you repair and reconnect with yourself, you can also redefine everything that you've ever learned.

[00:22:47] Iris Josephina: You can start adjusting your belief systems. You can dive into like, okay, what do I believe about myself and how much of what I believe about myself is actually a projection of others and not necessarily my own fruit. So this is such powerful work. It's immensely powerful and even I know that even me sharing about this has like things moving in your brain.

[00:23:11] Iris Josephina: When we talk about shame like this, and I've experienced this in groups with people, when someone starts unpacking. The meaning of shame in front of you. This is where your process starts. And I know that everyone who listens to this podcast has this process started. And I know that you felt shame in your life, and I know that it has never been your most powerful experience of yourself because you've been disconnected from yourself and you're in shame.

[00:23:40] Iris Josephina: And I know that when I explain all this to people, things start shifting. Things start moving. There's an awareness that happens. And this is where the repair starts. You start to understand what shame is. You start to understand it's the lowest vibration and frequency we can be in as a human being, and we can work ourselves out of this.

[00:24:02] Iris Josephina: And the antidote to shame is always connection. Connection to truth, connection to compassion, connection to yourself, connection to your body, and connection to your community, and your loved ones. And maybe even your purpose, and I would love for you to take a moment after you've listened to this episode to just journal or go on a walk and let all this information sink in and be in a place where you feel safe, where you feel connected, so that you can start relating to shame and your healing of shame from a place of connection.

[00:24:42] Iris Josephina: Thank you so much for. You know, making it to the end of this episode. Thank you for being here with me today and being open to receive. I know this is a very difficult topic for many of us and many of us run away from this topic, and if this resonated with you, shared with a friend who might also need to hear these words.

[00:25:05] Iris Josephina: And as always, my invitation is to stay connected. Stay connected to your own truth. Stay connected to your cycle, stay connected to your body, and I'll see you in the next episode. And please, if you feel like you want to share your experience with me. About, you know, you listening to this episode, feel free to drop me an email at [email protected].

[00:25:34] Iris Josephina: Send me a D on Instagram over at at Cycles Seeds, or drop a comment below this episode depending on where you're listening to it. Thank you so much for tuning in. And I'll see you next time. Okay. This wraps up today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Want to know more about me? The best way to reach me is via At Cycles Seeds on Instagram.

[00:25:57] Iris Josephina: And if you heard something today and you think, oh my God, wow, I learned something new, feel free to share the podcast on your social media and tag me or leave a review of rating. In this way. You help me reach more people like you. Thank you so much.

About the Host

I’m Iris Josephina—functional hormone specialist, orthomolecular hormone coach, and entrepreneur. Through Cycle Seeds and The Inner Rhythms Podcast, I support people in reconnecting with their cyclical nature, deepening body literacy, and reclaiming hormonal harmony from a place of sovereignty and embodied knowledge. Most people know me from Instagram, where I share stories, tools, and inspiration on cyclical living, menstrual cycles, fertility, hormones and more.

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