Episode 50: My Miscarriage Experience
Trigger warning: This post contains detailed descriptions of pregnancy loss and miscarriage.
I've decided to share my recent pregnancy loss experience in detail for several reasons. Primarily, I'm tired of the hushed, taboo nature of miscarriage in our society. Even in communities that consider themselves open and modern, pregnancy loss doesn't have its rightful place. It isn't treated as the significant rite of passage that it truly is.
I believe pregnancy loss is something that everyone should drop everything for, yet those experiencing it are often left unsupported. By opening up about my experience in its raw form, I hope to contribute to breaking this silence and normalizing conversations around pregnancy loss.
Topics Covered
In this deeply personal account, I share:
- My personal experience with pregnancy loss during a pilgrimage in Malta
- Why I feel pregnancy loss needs to be spoken about more openly in society
- The emotional aftermath, including identity crisis, grief, and body changes
- How this experience has transformed my perspective on fertility and motherhood
- The practical ways I've been supporting myself through the healing process
- How this experience has informed and deepened my professional work
- The importance of community support during pregnancy loss
Listen to the Episode
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Timestamps
[00:00:58] Introduction and content warning
[00:02:16] Why pregnancy loss needs more open discussion in society
[00:03:24] How this pregnancy was different from previous experiences
[00:04:25] The special moment of intuitive knowing with my partner
[00:05:32] My spiritual connection with the baby during meditation
[00:06:56] The moment I discovered I was bleeding at the temple
[00:09:10] Managing the crisis while hosting a retreat
[00:10:26] Confirming the pregnancy after bleeding began
[00:12:19] The hardest part: returning home to emptiness
[00:13:37] The feeling of isolation and lack of support
[00:14:27] The identity crisis that followed
[00:15:22] Rediscovering my changed body
[00:15:48] The complex emotions: grief, love, power, and fear
[00:17:11] The spiritual gifts received despite the loss
[00:18:04] Self-care practices that helped me cope
[00:20:09] Acknowledging men's emotional process during pregnancy loss
[00:21:03] Movement practices that supported my healing
[00:22:42] The importance of hydration during emotional processing
[00:23:10] Allowing myself comfort foods without shame
[00:24:04] Using writing as a healing practice
[00:25:12] Setting boundaries with communication during grief
[00:26:30] Finding escape through reading and entertainment
[00:27:45] Physical self-care practices and supplements
[00:30:44] How this experience has strengthened my relationship
[00:31:55] Turning grief into purpose through new course offerings
[00:33:32] Invitation to connect and share your own experiences
My Journey with Pregnancy Loss
This wasn't my first experience with pregnancy loss. Years ago, I had miscarriages during times when I wasn't ready to be a mother or with partners who weren't right for me. In those moments, the bleeding came as a relief.
This time was entirely different. I felt truly ready to become a mother. My partner is an incredible man who would make a wonderful father. I'm in my mid-thirties and felt prepared for this next chapter. This readiness made experiencing the loss a triple shock.
Discovering the Pregnancy
I could feel that I was pregnant long before taking a test. I was preparing to lead a pilgrimage to Malta, and I shared my suspicion with my friend Elizabeth, who was co-hosting the retreat with me. She said she could already see it in me. I was incredibly hungry and eating "like a horse."
During a video call with my partner while I was in Malta, he commented that my face looked different—that I looked pregnant. It was such a beautiful moment to have the love of my life affirm what I already knew intuitively.
That same day, I visited a beautiful ancient temple in Malta known as a sacred nerve center. During meditation there, the baby came to me in a vision. It was precious to feel the presence of this little soul, and that moment made everything feel real. My intuitive abilities felt heightened, and everything about the pregnancy felt right.
The Beginning of Loss
A few days later, my pilgrimage group returned to this same temple. After spending time there, I went to the museum shop to buy a birthday gift for one of the women in our group. Then I went to the bathroom and was shocked to discover I had started bleeding.
I panicked but knew I needed to compose myself since I was responsible for leading the group. I hadn't brought any menstrual products since I thought I was pregnant, so I had to use toilet paper until I could get back to our car.
As we drove to a restaurant after the temple visit, I could feel that something was terribly wrong. The bleeding increased dramatically, and I knew in my heart what was happening. At the restaurant, I had to deal with the practical aspects of unexpected bleeding in a public place while also trying to hold myself together emotionally.
I debated whether to share what was happening with the women in my group, but chose to wait until our evening sharing circle. When I finally shared, everyone was incredibly supportive.
The next day, I took a pregnancy test (carefully collecting urine without blood contamination), which confirmed I had indeed been pregnant. The hormones were still present in my system even though the loss had begun. This confirmation brought a complex mix of validation and grief.
Hosting a Retreat While Experiencing Loss
Continuing to lead the pilgrimage while experiencing this loss was challenging, but also had unexpected blessings. The pace was slow, the women were supportive, and we had a chef preparing nourishing meals three times daily. Being surrounded by community and care helped me through the immediate experience.
The hardest part came after the retreat ended. Returning home alone, having to cook my own food, and facing an empty house was devastating. This is when the true crisis began.
The Emotional Aftermath
Professional Identity Crisis
I experienced intense imposter syndrome. As a hormone coach specializing in fertility, I questioned how this could happen when I was "doing everything right." I wanted to quit my work completely, feeling like a fraud.
It took time to unravel these feelings and realize that this experience actually enriches my work and adds depth to my ability to support others. Still, the loneliness was profound. While pregnancy loss feels like something that should be held by an entire community, many of us experience it in isolation.
Personal Identity Transformation
I feel forever changed by this experience. It was the first time I truly welcomed a pregnancy and was fully ready to become a mother. Now I find myself in a liminal identity space—I'm not the person I was, but I'm also not yet the person I was becoming when pregnant. I'm in a space of becoming and unbecoming simultaneously, needing to rediscover myself.
My body has changed too. The fullness in my breasts has remained, which feels odd since their purpose is no longer present. I'm learning how to be in this transformed body again.
Coexisting Emotions
Multiple intense emotions coexist within me:
- Grief for the loss
- Love for the soul that was with me briefly
- Power in recognizing what my body is capable of
- Fear about it happening again
- Confusion about relating to others while feeling so changed
- Gratitude for the messages and teachings I received during the brief pregnancy
The brief time this soul spent with me opened my intuitive abilities in ways I've never experienced before. I received downloads and insights unlike anything I've known, though I'm still understanding how to integrate them.
Self-Care Strategies
I want to share what has helped me through this experience. These are personal approaches guided by intuition rather than a medical protocol:
Connecting with Nature and Body
- Earth contact: Laying flat on the earth with my belly down, breathing and feeling held by a great mother
- Movement: Dancing at home to reconnect with my body
- Reformer Pilates: Working with a teacher specialized in pelvic health
- Walking: The forward movement helps me process thoughts and emotions
Nourishment and Comfort
- Regular meals: Focusing on protein and fat, keeping food simple
- Hydration: Drinking plenty of water, coconut water, and herbal teas (2-2.5 liters daily)
- Comfort foods: Allowing myself "unhealthy" comfort foods without shame (frozen pizza and ice cream sustained me for weeks)
- Bone broth: Drinking it daily and keeping my freezer stocked
Emotional Release
- Communication: Sharing detailed experiences with my partner and including his emotional process
- Crying: Allowing tears whenever they come, regardless of where I am
- Screaming: Driving to isolated areas to scream in my car
- Writing: Using a feather pen and beautiful journal to write my complete story
Mental Space
- Reading: Fiction on my Kindle helps me unwind and calm my system
- Media consumption: Watching comforting shows during my recovery period
- Digital boundaries: Ignoring messaging apps when needed and informing loved ones about delayed responses
Physical Support
- Magnesium foot baths: Since I don't have a bathtub
- Yoni steams: For physical healing
- Supplements: Prenatal vitamins, omega-3, dried organ supplements (particularly liver), cellular support (NAD and ubiquinol), and saffron for brain and serotonin support
Moving Forward
I finally feel like I'm seeing light again. For a while after the loss, I questioned whether I was meant to be a mother at all. I even told my partner I couldn't go through this again—a normal protective response after such trauma.
This mindset has slowly faded. I recognize it as a biological protection mechanism that prevents us from immediately trying again, giving our bodies time to recover and strengthen. While general guidance suggests waiting three months before trying to conceive again after a loss, I may need four, five, or even six months. I'm listening to my body and giving myself the time I need.
This experience has marked me permanently. It has humbled me to accept the mystery of life and release the desire to control outcomes, especially regarding the body. It has deepened the connection between my partner and me as we process this experience together and look toward the future.
How This Experience Transformed My Work
I now see how this experience has enriched me professionally. It's inspired me to finally release a fertility course I've had prepared for some time but never felt qualified to share. Now I feel I have experience with all aspects of fertility—both conception and loss.
I'm developing a preconception course that focuses on preparation for both female and male bodies, along with community classes for people to share their stories. I recognize that getting pregnant is one thing, but staying pregnant is another, and I now have more tools to compassionately guide others through this journey.
Key Takeaways
- Pregnancy loss deserves space - Our society needs to recognize miscarriage as a significant rite of passage deserving of proper support and acknowledgment
- Community support is vital - Having people around you during loss can provide crucial comfort, while isolation amplifies grief
- Identity transformation occurs - Pregnancy loss creates a liminal space between who you were and who you were becoming
- Physical and emotional healing takes time - There's no rushing the recovery process; your body and heart need adequate time
- Self-care must be intuitive - Following what feels right for your body is more important than following a prescribed protocol
- Complex emotions coexist - Grief, love, power, fear, confusion, and gratitude can all be present simultaneously
- Partners experience loss too - Men's emotional experiences with pregnancy loss are rarely acknowledged but equally important
- Difficult experiences can deepen your purpose - Personal challenges can enhance your ability to support others through similar journeys
About the Host
I’m Iris Josephina—functional hormone specialist, orthomolecular hormone coach, and entrepreneur. Through Cycle Seeds and The Inner Rhythms Podcast, I support people in reconnecting with their cyclical nature, deepening body literacy, and reclaiming hormonal harmony from a place of sovereignty and embodied knowledge. Most people know me from Instagram, where I share stories, tools, and inspiration on cyclical living, menstrual cycles, fertility, hormones and more.
Let’s stay connected:
📸 Instagram: @cycleseeds
💻Visit the Cycle Seeds website
